Calcifer Month
It's all about meeeeeeeeeeeeeee
IT’S CALCIFER MONTH
I turned four this month. It’s a VERY BIG DEAL.
What a year it’s been. I started out as a leash cat and ended my boyhood as a full-grown MAN with responsibilities. I have my very own AIR TAG.
That’s right. I’m street legal, like if Vin Diesel had a baby with Lewis Hamilton and that baby grew up and had a baby with Tom Selleck.
I know! I’m incredibly handsome! I should charge people just to look at me! And I give you this, peasants. FOR FREE. PRAISE ME NOW. Mom is censoring me.
I can go from the world’s smallest side-eye…
To adorable baby…
…To street fashun.
Mom got this screen thing so I can come and go whenever I hear a scary noise want. Sissy says there’s something about me behind bars that just feels right. And maybe, if we both behave, Mom will let me live outside forever and Sissy will finally get some peace and quiet.
Don’t worry. It’s normal to experience shortness of breath when you look at me.
Outdoor Adventures
Mom still watches me even though I am a grown man now, because she caught me chasing a crow. She immediately worried I was going to appear on The Crows’ Most Wanted list because they can share faces with each other. Also, after I chased one crow a bunch of them flew by our window and squawked at me. Mom groaned and said, “Look at what you’ve done. Do you have any idea how smart crows are?!”
She thought we were gonna have to move so the crows couldn’t find us. Kind of like when Harry Potter got all those letters and the Dursleys took him to a remote island to escape all the mail. Except with crows instead of letters.
So I did what all great entrepreneurs do. I pivoted. I’m into chasing squirrels now. I stalk them, and get super low to the ground and then I’m off at FULL SPEED. I don’t actually catch them. The thrill is in the chase.
Mom can usually tell when I’ve chased one up a tree because she can hear my victim chittering loudly at me.
Me staring longingly up at a squirrel I chased. I can barely make it onto the bed without falling off so climbing trees is not on the table for me.
My angry squirrel friend.
Come down and play with me, squirrely!
Sometimes I sit inside and watch. I was chased by a dog once and instead of defending my honor, Mom said that’s what the outside world is like. What terrible parenting.
In suffering,
Calcifer